Momma's Boobery - Always on Tap?

Four nights ago (2/5/2023) we had such a big moment in the feeding category. For the first time, we were able to have a successful latch and feed without a nipple shield!

Something that sounds so simple and yet I cried when it occurred.

At your doctor's appointments they always ask how you intend to feed your child. My philosophy is that as long as she is fed, that's truly what matters. However, I really wanted to give nursing an honest try.

I had heard it could be hard...
- Your body may not produce
- It may be too painful
- She may have trouble latching
- You may produce but it might not be enough and you'll need to supplement
- It's time consuming

What I never expected was that nursing and pumping would become one of the biggest things that caused me anxiety and stress.

"It's just a matter of feeding your child."

Yes...but no. It has felt like so much more than that.

Our little girl entered the world 6 weeks early and because of her early arrival we faced some complications that caused us to become a NICU family. (A topic I'm still working up the courage to discuss) Due to the extra care she was needing, we didn't get the opportunity to try nursing right away. 

The concerns started immediately and filled my head.
Would she ever be able to nurse?
Would she only want a bottle since she hadn't known me first?
Would my body not be able to produce because she wasn't trying to feed from me?

I tried really hard to not be discouraged. I still met with the lactation consultant and focused on what I could to produce. We may not be nursing but I could still put in an effort to provide her with breast milk. I poured all my efforts into pumping. 

I began pumping the day after delivery. My first session I only produced .5 milliliters. Religiously I would hook up to pump every 3 hours and thankfully my body did react and start to produce. Each pump session resulted in me producing a little bit more than the session before. 

She was still not in a position to take a bottle but she was still receiving my milk. At the beginning, her feedings were made up of primarily my breast milk with a little extra as formula. For example, she would receive a 22ml feeding, 15 ml by me and the remaining 7ml being formula. I was thankful that in a matter of a day or two, I was turning in enough milk to the fridge that her feedings became strictly my breast milk. It felt like a huge accomplishment.

Pumping is not easy though. It can be uncomfortable. It's extremely time consuming. I stressed over it and if I was producing enough. I felt a responsibility to be rigid and consistent in how often I was doing it so she would have what she needed. 

She was being fed every three hours during 'cares'. This was our chance where we'd often get to hold her. So even if she wasn't taking a bottle, they still offered us the chance to be involved in some way. I based my pumping schedule around these 'cares' times. Every 1.5 hours I was either participating in 'cares' or pumping. 

After every pump you have to wash all the parts. Before you know it, you're having to make sure they are dry and continually repeating the process. You're concerned about if you're making enough because as she grows, the amount she needs does too. I would stare at the bottles the entire pump session. And despite the praises from family and nurses about the amounts I was turning in, it still felt like I wasn't doing enough.

After a few days she did begin taking bottles and I requested to meet with a lactation consultant again to see if nursing could ever be in our future or would pumping be our only option.

Our meeting with the lactation consultant went well. We learned she had no barriers to overcome in terms of a tongue-tie. At this point our biggest hurdle was that due to her being premature she wasn't developed enough to latch. A bottle was truly easier for her. Nursing required too much energy and exertion on her end, especially being premature. The lactation consultant provided me with a nipple shield that would allow her to breastfeed but would present the breast in a way more like a bottle, reducing some of the energy needed.

There was so much concern about making sure she was getting enough and continuing to grow that we didn't really nurse until we were home. You can track how much you're giving if it's through a bottle. You can't tell how much she's getting if it's directly from the breast.

Being home and nursing, even with a nipple shield, still brought on concerns and worry. I'm going to have to return to work and won't be available for her to nurse with, meaning I need a supply that she can have via bottle when that time comes. So, just because we were nursing, didn't mean I could stop pumping. 

I stressed over figuring out that schedule. I wanted to pump to build up the supply, but if I pumped would there be enough available for her when it was time to nurse? And if there was some for when it was time to feed, would it be enough to ensure she was still continuing to grow and progress? 

The fixation about making enough was consuming. I researched the tips and tricks. I still stared at the bottles while pumping. I started eating and drinking things that were supposed to help increase production. Everything and everyone kept saying, "the more you demand from your body, whether nursing or pumping, the more your body will produce". And yet, I didn't believe that. There was still this constant feeling of what I was doing, still wasn't enough, despite everyone telling me otherwise.

We continued with the schedule of feeding every 3-3.5 hours once home. I would pump in between each feeding. And just when it felt like we were getting a routine, the doctors told us she needed to be eating closer to every 2.5-3 hours as they wanted to see her gain more. 

How? How was I supposed to make that work and continue to pump? I barely felt like I could get anything else done other than nurse and pump when we were on the 3-3.5 hour schedule. The stress and anxiety climbed once again. I remember breaking down one morning and declaring I didn't know if I could keep doing this. Ultimately, as a family, we implemented a schedule that works best for us, both physically and mentally. We've still been able to nurse and pump.

I've had to learn to let go and trust that what I'm doing is enough. As a parent all you want to do is provide for your child. You want to be able to give them everything they need and want. I have had to step back and realize that I am doing just that.

She never ends a nursing session indicating she hasn't had enough. And if she's had enough, that means I'm producing enough. I've had to learn that staring at the bottles while pumping is only going to stress me out. I recently was sent an article that says to cover the bottles with socks, so you can't see the amounts. By not seeing them, it actually allows you to produce and release more because you aren't sitting there the entire time worrying about it. Sometimes easier said than done but I try not to let the amount I've produced from pumping get to me. That concern that she's only going to continue to need larger amounts the older and bigger she gets, I'm having to let go of. If it ends up not being enough, we will supplement and that's okay. I have to remember my stance from before she was even here, as long as she is fed, that is all that matters.

I'm doing what I can. Just a day or two after her turning one month old, I had 50 bags of milk in the freezer. 5022 ml. And at just under 7 weeks old, I've doubled that and we now have over 100 bags frozen. I haven't done the math to see how much milk it is, but it still feels like a large accomplishment considering where we started. That's how I felt with her latching on Sunday evening, another amazing accomplishment knowing where we started. 

Now that I'm a Mom and I'm experiencing this journey, I understand the pressure and judgement that can be out there. We, as mothers, put so much pressure on ourselves and then to get it from others, it's heartbreaking. Just recently Ashley Graham spoke out about the criticism she received for stopping nursing her twins after 5 months and switching to formula. It's truly sad. Whether it's nursing or formula, her children were provided for and that's all that matters. That goes for every Mama out there.

I have no idea where our journey with nursing and pumping will go. I have a general idea of how long I'd like it to last but I also know things can change. Not even 2 months in and what a learning experience it's been. I know that will only continue. I'm no expert, I'm just trying to figure it out as I go. But I am proud to be giving this my best effort despite how difficult it can be. 

I wish all Mama's the best and cheer you on no matter what method you're using to feed your child. Keep up the good work!