It Wasn't For Forever

I had told myself I would never write this post.
It was too personal.
It's something that should remain private.
But what if sharing my experience can help someone else? So they know they aren't alone and can make it through it.

I had been open on my blog about my relationship, engagement and the excitement of becoming a Mrs. I was in love and looking forward to the happily ever after.

I never expected what was coming my way.

Less than 6 months before our wedding, my fiance came home from work and announced that things were over and the wedding was off.

There hadn't been a screaming match. There was no intense argument leading up to this day. There really hadn't been any signs this was about to happen. When I say this was completely out of the blue, I mean it.

We'd sent our Save the Dates the week prior. The venue was booked. The reception was booked. The photographer was booked. The wedding planner was booked. The bridesmaids and groomsmen had been asked. The wedding dress was picked. We'd tasted cakes. Decorations were purchased. The honeymoon - you guessed it - booked.

In a matter of seconds it felt like my world came crashing down and my heart shattered.

I remember wanting and needing to know why this was happening. Why now? What had changed? Was there someone else? He'd promised to love me for forever.

It's an explanation I never got. So, I blamed myself.

Clearly I must have done something wrong. I must not be good enough. I had to have been the problem since I was the one being left. I felt like a failure. So much so, that it took me until the next morning to go home and tell my parents what had happened. I felt like they were going to be ashamed of me.

In two days I packed my belongings and moved back home with my parents.

With every passing second, minute, hour, and day, I questioned how I was going to continue on. How was I going to get through this? For a while, I really didn't think I would.

I struggle when trying to explain to others how this type of pain and hurt feels. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. We may not have been married but I'd committed myself emotionally as if we were. That's what an engagement meant to me, the wedding itself just made things legal. It's like experiencing a death. That person had been such an integral part of your life and then suddenly they're gone. You have to face reminder after reminder of them, only to remember that they're gone. Objects, places, smells, songs...you'd be surprised how many things can remind you of a person or a memory. 

His life went on like nothing had ever happened. I was left to cancel all the arrangements, pick up the pieces of my broken heart and learn to believe in and love myself again.

For a while, I felt like a shell of a human. I went through the motion of life but I wasn't actually present. I forced myself to eat one meal a day, I had no appetite. I struggled to sleep because he haunted my dreams. I felt like I could cry in an instant. Panic attacks and anxiety attacks were a real and often occurrence. As a family we could no longer visit one of our favorite restaurants because I had a panic attack every time we walked in the door because I worried he'd walk in while we were there.

I feared running into him. Originally because I was so unsure of how I would react if I saw him. Would I cry, would I stand strong?  Then the fear of seeing him transitioned into a fear of them. One month after our split and he was already involved in a serious relationship. How would I react if I saw the man who broke my heart and the girl who took my place?

The emotions came in phases as I tried to heal and move on. It started as that severe hurt and betrayal. I'd loved him so of course I was sad and hurt. Around month 2-3 it transitioned into hating him. And I stayed in the hate phase for quite a while. But I had always been told, "There's a fine line between love and hate, learn to find the feeling of indifference."

So that's what I did. I've spent the last 2+ years focusing on me and figuring out how to let go and move on.

It's amazing how much can change in such a short amount of time. I've come out on the other side so much happier, stronger, and healthy. It's difficult to express how much I've learned.

I learned that my way of thinking during this time was so skewed and inaccurate. Instead of loving myself I chose to forget who I was and what I was capable of.

My parents would never be ashamed of me because my wedding was called off. They have always been loving and supportive and that multiplied as I faced this difficulty. I also never should have blamed myself for the wedding being called off. It was not my fault. I had done nothing wrong. I had given him my all and he chose to not accept that. I learned that while he had been an important part of my life, he wasn't my whole life. Life had been good before him and it would be good without him. I didn't need him in order to continue on living. I'm capable of chasing goals and thriving with or without a partner.

This experience reminded me to value my happiness. Do things that genuinely make you happy. Surround yourself with people who make you happy and who love you for you. Know your worth and what you're deserving of.

I wish I could tell you there's one simple solution to move on from a situation like this but there really isn't.

I've made it to where I am because of a combination of so many things.
- Time - give yourself time.
- I went to counseling because I knew this would cause deeper emotional damage than I would expect. I also needed a neutral sounding board to process the entire thing.
- I surrounded myself with family and friends who mean the world to me. People who have never made me question where I stand with them. They've always had my back and always will. Those people know who they are and I can't say thank you enough.
- I found and did things that made me happy. Being outdoors, football, baseball, reading, creating new goals for myself (check out the new homeowner blog for an insight into my biggest goal) and creating new memories.
- I also allowed myself some grace. This experience was new and I was learning as I was went. There was no how-to guide.

I'm still learning and I'm still healing. I have found the indifference rather than love or hate. That doesn't mean I don't have things I still struggle with though. For example, I struggle with the idea of commitment now. Once bitten, twice shy. I'll eventually get there but it takes time.

Everything happens for a reason. I'm a big believer in this. We may not know why it's happening in the moment but one day we will understand. I am able to tell you now that my failed engagement prevented me from heading down a path that wasn't right for me.

If you're going through this, know you aren't alone. It may be one of those cliche topics that isn't talked about but this does happen. In the two years since my split, I've known multiple people to experience this same thing. We've been in your shoes. We know how you feel. But we also know, you can do this. You are strong. You will heal. You can continue on. You are enough and you deserve the kind of love that's talked about in fairy tales.  ❤